The Bully in your head
What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is the way a person thinks and feels about themselves. When our self-esteem is low we tend to think very negatively about ourselves, how we look, what we can achieve etc. This is like having a “Bully” with you everywhere you go. This can lead to mental health problems such as anxiety and depression. The “Bully” holds you back from living your life the way you want to.
Do you have a “Bully” in your head that is your constant critic? Putting you down and telling you that you are not good enough? We all have an inner bully or critic to some extent and mostly we are unaware of the dialogue this bully is communicating to us on a daily basis.
Due to this unconscious communication we maybe unaware of why we feel anxious and low in mood.
People with low self-esteem are often perfectionists. They feel they are never good enough. They will constantly down play their achievements. For example:
Jane has low self-esteem and decided that if she can an A* in her GCSE’s then she will feel good enough. Guess what, Jane does manage to get those grades and feels really pleased. However, the bully in her head tells her`’ you only got those grades because the exams were easier this year” or “you were lucky with the questions you got” Whatever Jane achieves it never feels good enough.
Low self-esteem can be caused by messages we receive from others in our life, such as our parents, siblings, teachers and the media. We can receive both positive and negative messages. These messages can cause us to adapt ourselves to meet the approval of others.
We try to live up to these conditions that can be put upon us unconsciously by other people. This can cause us to “not be ourselves” and live our lives the way we think others want us to. This can lead to us feeling lost and not really knowing who we really are or feeling bad about ourselves as we are constantly “acting” or “wearing masks”.
Low self-esteem affects us in many ways. Avoidance of facing things is one of the common coping methods for people with low-self esteem. In the short-term avoidance can feel safe and keep anxiety at bay. This teaches us that avoidance is a way to cope but the more you avoid situations the harder it is to start to face them.
Ways to boost your self-esteem
- Get to know yourself. Become aware of the words you are speaking to yourself. Challenge the negative self-talk and develop your inner best friend.
- Recognise what you like and value about yourself. What you are good at. We are all good at something.
- Think about what you would say to a friend in a similar situation and treat yourself with the same kindness.
- It is really hard to get started with living life the way we really want to. Sometimes you have to “Fake it till you make it”
- Become your own best friend
- Don’t compare yourself to other people
- Replace the negative self-talk with positive affirmations such as “I am enough”
- Practice saying NO
- Set yourself a goal or challenge
- Allow yourself to be “perfectly imperfect”
How do we get rid of this bully? We have to fight back. To do this we need to develop our ‘inner best friend”. Talking to a counsellor can help with low self-esteem. It can help you to become more aware of how you talk to yourself and the masks you wear in life.
This awareness can give you back control and choice in how you live your life.